an attempt at resolve

its been a while since i last posted.  this month has been such a doozy and i find myself here, on the last day of the year, before i knew it.  i have thought to myself too many times this month that i have failed to post so many important updates about trips and visits and special moments.  the fall was so full of wonderful people that we traveled to see and who also traveled to see us.  boston to see a life long friend and meet her new son.  visits from college friends.  a quick catch up dessert and drink out with a best friend in town from the west coast.  a thanksgiving that was as stuffed as we were with beautiful moments shared with family and friends.  celebrating the first birthday of my dear niece.

then everything came to a screeching stop the first few days of december as i lost the man who was like a second father to me.  the darkness set in real heavy and before i knew it it was almost Christmas and I had not even really reflected on the season at all.  december was, and is, swallowed up in grief for me this year and so it was different than it usually is. not to suggest that there were no bright moments, there were.  a surprise and much needed 24 hour visit from soul mate friend and her family from MD.  a party full of children running around and dipping all sorts of things in a fondu fountain and some merry signing. decorating christmas cookies for the umpteenth year in a row with a beloved family. a week spent with family in a sleepy and slow fashion celebrating Christmas.  all good things.

but i think the sadness i feel after Christmas this year, while exacerbated by the loss of our great tenor who usually ushers in the season with his o holy night, is also due to the fact that i did not prepare my heart.  i always mourn the end of the christmas season the most when i have prepared for it the least. and thus it comes and goes without my heart having been softened toward the things of God, toward His word, toward the truth.  i came through untouched by the wonder of the very most Holy coming down to be the very most lowly...for me.   

and as the year begins and i try, as i always do, to resolve with my best to do more or be more or be better, i think of one clear moment from this season.  a Christmas eve sermon preached by a man i highly regard.

Christ's message is not about us behaving, or even becoming.  

its about us beholding.

beholding the glad tidings of great joy that our savior has come.  he has come for the decembers where we are lost and frantic and heartbroken. he has come for the new years eves that can't seem to stir up one single decent resolution.  he has come for those of us who look back at 2014 and see failure and short coming and sin and sorrow.  he has come for those of us who feel the chill of the winter right down to our hearts and souls.  he has come to cover the things we resolved to do a year ago and still have not done.  

he has come for this mother who fails at parenting 

and this wife who fails at helpmating 

and this daughter who fails at respecting 

and this sister who fails and leading with love 

and this friend who fails to be there when it matters and be quiet when i need to be.    

he has come for us very broken and very sinful.  

not so that we will fix ourselves

but for us to behold and believe. 

so that is my resolution.   


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