i was doing my best to get dressed this morning, staring hard into my closet, looking for something acceptable to cover my cold self. i knew i needed to get dressed and look like i care about my appearance and my job and being put together. i think i was hoping to find a wool onesie that goes from my ears to my toes. i must have left it in my other closet...
today, the last week really, i have lacked motivation to do anything other than the essentials.
feed and clothe baby, check
feed husband, check
feed and clothe myself, technically yes (still looking for that onesie)
go to work and actually do my work. yeah
but everything else has fallen by the wayside. as soon as i put her down at 7:30, im ready to put myself down as well and sleep till the chill of the next morning wakes me up. how do you make yourself care about the day to day things when you are still smarting from a gaping and seemingly irreparable loss? how do you pretend to enjoy anything when you feel like someone took an apple corer to your chest and bored out your heart? that hollow hurting.
and how to you process something that you still want believe is a just a nightmare? how do you make yourself come to terms with a man that you have loved like a father your whole life being gone? the man who is a part of infinity memories of life and love and all things pleasant. important memories like the yearly solo singing of a sacred hymn, and unimportant ones like mowing a lawn or inflating a ridiculous lawn Christmas decoration.
a man who was everything gentle and humble and kind and wonderful. a man you really wanted your children to know and love like you do.
and you didn't know, you did not have any warning. the last time you saw him, you probably said something silly and totally unacceptable as final words like 'get out of here' or 'see ya tom', and took it for granted that you would see that face again. hear him sing again. see that smile again. roll your eyes at yet another pun...again
i know what i know.
i believe what i know.
and i trust that there will be healing and peace and purpose and light and all the things that come with our good and perfect God.
i do, i really do know those things.
but in the in between time,
between knowing and feeling,
just what am i supposed to do?
today, the last week really, i have lacked motivation to do anything other than the essentials.
feed and clothe baby, check
feed husband, check
feed and clothe myself, technically yes (still looking for that onesie)
go to work and actually do my work. yeah
but everything else has fallen by the wayside. as soon as i put her down at 7:30, im ready to put myself down as well and sleep till the chill of the next morning wakes me up. how do you make yourself care about the day to day things when you are still smarting from a gaping and seemingly irreparable loss? how do you pretend to enjoy anything when you feel like someone took an apple corer to your chest and bored out your heart? that hollow hurting.
and how to you process something that you still want believe is a just a nightmare? how do you make yourself come to terms with a man that you have loved like a father your whole life being gone? the man who is a part of infinity memories of life and love and all things pleasant. important memories like the yearly solo singing of a sacred hymn, and unimportant ones like mowing a lawn or inflating a ridiculous lawn Christmas decoration.
a man who was everything gentle and humble and kind and wonderful. a man you really wanted your children to know and love like you do.
and you didn't know, you did not have any warning. the last time you saw him, you probably said something silly and totally unacceptable as final words like 'get out of here' or 'see ya tom', and took it for granted that you would see that face again. hear him sing again. see that smile again. roll your eyes at yet another pun...again
i know what i know.
i believe what i know.
and i trust that there will be healing and peace and purpose and light and all the things that come with our good and perfect God.
i do, i really do know those things.
but in the in between time,
between knowing and feeling,
just what am i supposed to do?
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