Thursday, October 9, 2014

that day at the end of summer

its fall, and im all for fall, i am not complaining.  i love the colors and the crisp in the air that makes me feel like anything is possible. i love the leaves and the smells and the pumpkiny foods that i find excuses to make.  

BUT i always hate to see summer go.  the dewy skin and curly hair that are my constants in the humidity just disappear in the fall, and i miss them.  and i miss this summer in particular because i got to watch eden fall in love with summer.  she was never happier than when she was bathing suit-clad, outside, in the sun.  i loved doing summer with you little one. and its true, there are alot of things about fall and winter that i can't wait to do with you too. pumpkin picking and leaf crunching and snow playing and roasting chestnuts by a fire.  i won't go kicking and screaming from summer. ill go willingly

but this is one last attempt to savor the warmth and remember a great saturday spent eating chipotle at the park while daddy ran laps.  after his work out we let eden meander around and just followed, looking at the big world through her little eyes.
chipotle got a little messy, so she just rocked the bloomers 
farewell dear summer
hello fall

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

ready or not, we're all done

i thought that i would feel more ready, much more ready to be done. 

i mean i remember feeling KNOWING that i would never be anything ever again except an overworked and exhausted cow

a source of milk

i remember thinking that i would not ever be able to do anything in life again because i would always be feeding my daughter.  

movies? i can't, im breastfeeding right now
dinner?  no way, i have to feed my baby for the next 72 hours non stop

i felt like that would be my every single day.

my life was over.  this was it.  just feeding and bleeding and being sore and exhausted.

and i remember that feeling being so tangible that it felt like a weight pressing down on my chest, full of milk as it was.

and i had an infection, oh what a deal that was.  feeling like a razor was cutting me from nipple to armpit every time she fed.

id whisper 'i love you, i love you, i love you' to pump myself up before putting her on to feed.

and i did it all random hours of the night for the first two or three months.  

and i did it in public places under or not so under a hooter hider

and i did it in the car when it was 90 degrees outside

and on airplanes to help her tiny ears

and i pumped in a dark closet multiple times a day at work so that she could have my milk.

and i did this for the better part of 14 months.

so i guess i imagined that by the time this morning happened, i would feel all sorts of free and liberated.  

i guess that her staring blankly at me when i offered her milk, shaking her head, and pointing to her hairbrush instead (its a thing, she loves to brush hair) should have made me feel proud that we had reached this moment and she was big and knew what she wanted and had outgrown the boob.

but i did not feel any of those things that i have been waiting to feel

i felt sad, and my eyes welled up, and all i wanted was that tiny babe who knew nothing but the breast and wanted me all the time.

its been just morning and night now for a while, with the nights happening less and less due to her lack of interest.  but i still cherished those times.  first thing, before im even awake, and last thing in the evening before she goes down.  its just her and me.  the only thing that i can give her that ONLY i can give her.

and thats over now.  so...  

i dont really have a conclusion.  just wanted to say for the record that its happening, ready or not, and im not really ready at all.  

i guess i need to get more and more used to the happy, silverware brandishing, version of eden. we made it here, and i am proud.  but i wouldn't mind just a few more months girl.  
'you put WHAT in this food?!?'

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

please remember not to forget (part 3)

dear self, 
please remember these little bits of nothing that make up all your memories of eden.  these are listed in no particular order. 

eden loves to dance/shake/shimmy.  we do regular dance parties and this happens.  
she loves to talk to animals.  real conversations, with facial expressions and hand motions and everything. what is she saying? please be mine. please let me smell you.  please understand me because the big humans dont.  who knows?

oh and have i mentioned that she loooooves her daddy?  i mean she likes me, and gets that i feed her and all, but she adores him.  first thing in the morning, dada.  last thing at night, dada.  and every other moment in between, dada.  
yeah melt my heart into a puddle on the ground.  these two.
she is so stinking social.  i think the ultimate sorrow in her little mind is to be excluded from...anything where there are humans.  she just loves looking at people, talking to people, playing peekaboo, sitting around a fire pit.  oh and she loves the radabaughs, i think she has a crush on jeremiah. he has a way with the one year old ladies. 
the vast majority of the time, she is smiling.  big gummy smiles because she still has no teeth going on 14 months.  im sure they will come.

i found myself laughing out loud in bed last night because i was picturing one of eden's facial expressions.  i can't describe it but ill get a picture one of these days.  

she signs please and thank you and all done and eat and waives goodbye.  oh and she will high five until your hand falls off.  anyone want to teach her a new trick, you would be more than welcome! 
my cup runneth all the way over


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