Wednesday, December 17, 2014

what a 16 month old says

a stream of things i hear and observe as i witness the amazing growth of a 15 month old mind and body.  


hi (which sounds very southern, like haaai)
bye bye (also very southern, 'baabaa')
dyupp (for when she is answering any question in the affirmative.  the best part is that she kinda whispers it)
kika (kitty cat)
gaga (godrick, the dog)
ca (car)
mooooon (moon, which she can always find even when its just a sliver)
nanana (banana, which i hear every time she walks into the kitchen and sees the fruit display)
puh (pear)
peeye (pretty)
mao (milk)
onge (orange)
maaayma (amen, which she says almost as soon as we start praying, cause she knows it means she gets her dinner)
ahh duh (all done, which she says when she is done eating but also whenever she WANTS something to be over, like a spank or changing a diaper or being confined to a crib or a cart)
bah (ball)
mahuh (martha, who lives with us and is like a second mother to eden)
ehh pay (airplane)
ouuup (up)
haop (help)

sounds she can make:

when robert or i tell her we love her, she kisses in response.

and she can go down the stairs backwards now,  the other day i was running errands with her, with my hands full, walking down the sidewalk with her waddling along behind.  i mentioned to her to be careful of the stair.  she immediately sat down on the sidewalk, rolled over to her belly, and scooted herself feet first toward the curb. then she looked at me, all proud, like 'what?  i know how we do stairs'

she greets people happily, which we work hard on, and is willing to give a high five to anyone we introduce her to.

she copies me, which is both amazing and a little scary.  i noticed her pretending to put on makeup the other day, and trying to turn her sound machine on with her foot like i do when i have my arms full of her.

she prays before meals, with her hands folded or holding ours in each hand.

she understand full sentences from me. 'eden, go into your room and turn off the sound machine'  'eden, give mama a diaper' 'eden, go get in your not the little chair, the big chair'

she also makes connections and generalizations.  she saw a christmas tree over facetime at my parents house, and then went and pointed to our tree

she saw a basketball game on tv and said bah (ball) and pointed to it

she gets really excited about planes and birds flying around and points at them with the little 'o' in her mouth. like this
when i tell her to come put her clothes on, she turns around and backs into my lap slowly and then plops down.  i love this.

she has had a cough lately and has been up at night alot.  the other night i went in there to comfort her and she was sitting in her crib sadly.  she looked up at me and said 'oh mama' with the most heartbreaking desperation in her voice.  'im here baby' i responded.  

lastly, the first thing she does every morning when we get downstairs is run, laughing, over to the tree and sign please ferociously until i turn it on.  then she stands, mouth agape, at the splendor of the tiny lights that illuminate all the precious handmade ornaments on our tree.  im going to miss that.  

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

between knowing and feeling

i was doing my best to get dressed this morning, staring hard into my closet, looking for something acceptable to cover my cold self. i knew i needed to get dressed and look like i care about my appearance and my job and being put together.  i think i was hoping to find a wool onesie that goes from my ears to my toes.  i must have left it in my other closet...

today, the last week really, i have lacked motivation to do anything other than the essentials.

feed and clothe baby, check
feed husband, check
feed and clothe myself,  technically yes (still looking for that onesie) 
go to work and actually do my work.  yeah

but everything else has fallen by the wayside.  as soon as i put her down at 7:30, im ready to put myself down as well and sleep till the chill of the next morning wakes me up. how do you make yourself care about the day to day things when you are still smarting from a gaping and seemingly irreparable loss?  how do you pretend to enjoy anything when you feel like someone took an apple corer to your chest and bored out your heart?  that hollow hurting.  
and how to you process something that you still want believe is a just a nightmare?  how do you make yourself come to terms with a man that you have loved like a father your whole life being gone?  the man who is a part of infinity memories of life and love and all things pleasant. important memories like the yearly solo singing of a sacred hymn, and unimportant ones like mowing a lawn or inflating a ridiculous lawn Christmas decoration. 

a man who was everything gentle and humble and kind and wonderful.  a man you really wanted your children to know and love like you do. 

and you didn't know, you did not have any warning.  the last time you saw him, you probably said something silly and totally unacceptable as final words like 'get out of here' or 'see ya tom', and took it for granted that you would see that face again. hear him sing again.  see that smile again.  roll your eyes at yet another pun...again

i know what i know.  

i believe what i know.  

and i trust that there will be healing and peace and purpose and light and all the things that come with our good and perfect God.  

i do, i really do know those things.

but in the in between time,

between knowing and feeling,

just what am i supposed to do?

Friday, November 7, 2014

please remember not to forget (part 4)

if i dont write these things down, they slip away from me so so quickly.  
so here is part four of my list of things to remember.
(photo credit to my dear friend christinewho has captured so many important agaba family moments)

1. when its bed time and eden is sitting on my lap snuggling, she does a little fake laugh, to make me laugh.  then when i laugh, she laughs a real laugh, and we continue giggling at each other until it eventually fades.  then eden does a fake laugh again...  we do this for five minutes at a time, just laughing.  her sweet little breath on my neck. i could just stay.  and stay.  and stay.

2.  eden has not mastered shaking her head when she does not want things, but she HAS mastered shaking her whole body no.  so when i ask her if she wants something, she shakes her whole self no.  its so funny people.

3.  eden still has no teeth, so she has this huge gummy smile that reminds me she is still my baby.  so much about her looks grown up to me.  but the gums still show her true baby colors.
4.  eden loves to shake it.  seriously, it can be the radio or a movie or a toy that has music or even just someone saying the word 'dance' and she is moving moving moving.  she gets a serious face on, her dance face, and she just wiggles around and throws her hands in the air.  i hope she always loves dancing cause the family that dances together sways together.

5.   she loves to bring books to me and sign please. yes peanut butter, i will read you that book for the 15th time tonight.  no problem.  
6.  she can crawl up on the futon and low furniture independently.  ill come around the corner and she will just be sitting on the futon.  'what's up mom?

7.   there is a photo of the three of us and my parents at the top of the stairs.  every time we ascend she points to it and pleases vigorously.  we go over and she points to each person, saying her version of their name.  'papa, gma,mama,dada,' and then she just laughs when she points to herself.  then she waives bye bye to the picture.  
8.  oh and dont forget the way that you clutch your chest to keep your heart from falling out when you peak in at her sleeping.  someone is carving out my insides with a spoon and i fall all to pieces.  oh the love that fills a mother's heart.  oh the wonder of it all.


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