Thursday, January 29, 2015

watching you watching everything

eden,

you are such a delight to me.  i have always loved you and i will love you even when you don't feel like a delight.  but these days, im really feeling it.

you are the most fun thing to wake up to in the morning and the most precious thing to end my day with.  when i come get you from your crib you always look at me with a squinty sleepy smile.  i know you dont love waking up or getting out of your warm crib, but i love that your first instinct is to smile at me when i turn on the lights and call your name.  bam, instant joy in the morning.

you always take your socks off before you fall asleep.  and i always come in and put them back on your little feet while you are dreaming.  and they are always off again when i come to get you in the morning.

and when i get home from work or i pick you up, you run to me like you have been waiting all day.  i know in reality that you have been happily distracted all day and probably only just now remembered me, but i HAVE been waiting all day for this moment.  man, to be so loved by my baby.



and snow, that is a fun new thing.  you got to play in it for the first time the other day and you LOVED it...until you realized that is made you so very cold (see second video for this exact story line).  then it was all tears and drama until we went inside and you snuggled up with a blanket and took a nap on me.




and all day long is a stream of exclamations. 'snoooow' 'coooooold' 'mooooon' 'doggy' 'airpane' 'ball' 'milk' 'nana' 'liiieeght' 'car' 'pataaaay' 'bebe' 'oh nooooo'...and on and on it goes.  its incredible that something as common and unexceptional as a ball can stop you in your tracks and thrill you to your toes.  how i love to watch you watch...everything.

and when the day has come to an end and you ask me to turn off the light and wrap your arms around my neck for a few precious moments before pointing sleepily to your crib, my heart stops just a little bit and i feel myself wishing that nothing would ever change ever again. i cant think of anything that is as good as feeling your sweet little congested breath on my neck or your little fingers wrapped up in my shirt.

baby baby please stay my baby 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

an attempt at resolve

its been a while since i last posted.  this month has been such a doozy and i find myself here, on the last day of the year, before i knew it.  i have thought to myself too many times this month that i have failed to post so many important updates about trips and visits and special moments.  the fall was so full of wonderful people that we traveled to see and who also traveled to see us.  boston to see a life long friend and meet her new son.  visits from college friends.  a quick catch up dessert and drink out with a best friend in town from the west coast.  a thanksgiving that was as stuffed as we were with beautiful moments shared with family and friends.  celebrating the first birthday of my dear niece.

then everything came to a screeching stop the first few days of december as i lost the man who was like a second father to me.  the darkness set in real heavy and before i knew it it was almost Christmas and I had not even really reflected on the season at all.  december was, and is, swallowed up in grief for me this year and so it was different than it usually is. not to suggest that there were no bright moments, there were.  a surprise and much needed 24 hour visit from soul mate friend and her family from MD.  a party full of children running around and dipping all sorts of things in a fondu fountain and some merry signing. decorating christmas cookies for the umpteenth year in a row with a beloved family. a week spent with family in a sleepy and slow fashion celebrating Christmas.  all good things.

but i think the sadness i feel after Christmas this year, while exacerbated by the loss of our great tenor who usually ushers in the season with his o holy night, is also due to the fact that i did not prepare my heart.  i always mourn the end of the christmas season the most when i have prepared for it the least. and thus it comes and goes without my heart having been softened toward the things of God, toward His word, toward the truth.  i came through untouched by the wonder of the very most Holy coming down to be the very most lowly...for me.   

and as the year begins and i try, as i always do, to resolve with my best to do more or be more or be better, i think of one clear moment from this season.  a Christmas eve sermon preached by a man i highly regard.

Christ's message is not about us behaving, or even becoming.  

its about us beholding.

beholding the glad tidings of great joy that our savior has come.  he has come for the decembers where we are lost and frantic and heartbroken. he has come for the new years eves that can't seem to stir up one single decent resolution.  he has come for those of us who look back at 2014 and see failure and short coming and sin and sorrow.  he has come for those of us who feel the chill of the winter right down to our hearts and souls.  he has come to cover the things we resolved to do a year ago and still have not done.  

he has come for this mother who fails at parenting 

and this wife who fails at helpmating 

and this daughter who fails at respecting 

and this sister who fails and leading with love 

and this friend who fails to be there when it matters and be quiet when i need to be.    

he has come for us very broken and very sinful.  

not so that we will fix ourselves

but for us to behold and believe. 

so that is my resolution.   

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

what a 16 month old says

a stream of things i hear and observe as i witness the amazing growth of a 15 month old mind and body.  

words:

hi (which sounds very southern, like haaai)
bye bye (also very southern, 'baabaa')
uh-oh
dyupp (for when she is answering any question in the affirmative.  the best part is that she kinda whispers it)
mama
dada
gama
papa
kika (kitty cat)
gaga (godrick, the dog)
ca (car)
mooooon (moon, which she can always find even when its just a sliver)
nanana (banana, which i hear every time she walks into the kitchen and sees the fruit display)
puh (pear)
peeye (pretty)
mao (milk)
onge (orange)
maaayma (amen, which she says almost as soon as we start praying, cause she knows it means she gets her dinner)
ahh duh (all done, which she says when she is done eating but also whenever she WANTS something to be over, like a spank or changing a diaper or being confined to a crib or a cart)
bah (ball)
mahuh (martha, who lives with us and is like a second mother to eden)
ehh pay (airplane)
ouuup (up)
haop (help)

sounds she can make:
dog
bird
fish
cow
duck
owl
lion

when robert or i tell her we love her, she kisses in response.

and she can go down the stairs backwards now,  the other day i was running errands with her, with my hands full, walking down the sidewalk with her waddling along behind.  i mentioned to her to be careful of the stair.  she immediately sat down on the sidewalk, rolled over to her belly, and scooted herself feet first toward the curb. then she looked at me, all proud, like 'what?  i know how we do stairs'

she greets people happily, which we work hard on, and is willing to give a high five to anyone we introduce her to.

she copies me, which is both amazing and a little scary.  i noticed her pretending to put on makeup the other day, and trying to turn her sound machine on with her foot like i do when i have my arms full of her.

she prays before meals, with her hands folded or holding ours in each hand.

she understand full sentences from me. 'eden, go into your room and turn off the sound machine'  'eden, give mama a diaper' 'eden, go get in your chair...no not the little chair, the big chair'

she also makes connections and generalizations.  she saw a christmas tree over facetime at my parents house, and then went and pointed to our tree

she saw a basketball game on tv and said bah (ball) and pointed to it

she gets really excited about planes and birds flying around and points at them with the little 'o' in her mouth. like this
when i tell her to come put her clothes on, she turns around and backs into my lap slowly and then plops down.  i love this.

she has had a cough lately and has been up at night alot.  the other night i went in there to comfort her and she was sitting in her crib sadly.  she looked up at me and said 'oh mama' with the most heartbreaking desperation in her voice.  'im here baby' i responded.  

lastly, the first thing she does every morning when we get downstairs is run, laughing, over to the tree and sign please ferociously until i turn it on.  then she stands, mouth agape, at the splendor of the tiny lights that illuminate all the precious handmade ornaments on our tree.  im going to miss that.  



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