today is friday and we leave in less than a week. in less than a week this experience which we saved for, planned for, strived for, and dreamed about will be entirely over. something that happened, and is now complete. does anyone else ever try and put your finger on the way you feel when something you've looked forward to for so long is suddenly, behind? its hard for me to wrap my mind around it or put words to it. because, of course, this is exactly how life ticks on by isn't it? something is in the temporarily in the future, briefly in the present, and then permanently where it will always remain, in the past.
i find myself taking stock of the overall impact of our trip, and the overall effect its had on me, the girls, robert, our whole family. people keep asking me if it went how i hoped it would, and honestly, despite challenges aplenty, the answer is a resounding yes.
it has not been easy. i have been really hard on the girls and myself in far too many circumstances. i have grown weary of parenting alone, and of being alone without robert. i have let habits that we worked for months and years to develop fall out of practice because i can't correct everything and monitor everything alone. but overall there were three primary hopes i had for a time here, and each has been utterly met.
1. i wanted the girls, and myself, to grow in language. and i am thrilled to say that we absolutely have. im still not even remotely fluent, but i have really gained familiarity with the language in a new way in the last two months and it comes out of my heart and mouth and mind with much greater ease. and what has happened with the girls is even more encouraging. when we were just learning kinyarwanda at home, they had no real context for why its important, or the fact that its the pulse and rhythm of an entire country and people. they understood minimal instructions and phrases from me, but they almost never spoke it, or even tried. but now, with rwandans greeting them and engaging them day in and day out, they have both entirely bought into the beauty of speaking in this tongue. little etta mae, my timid and shy and 'never going to try that thing that might make me feel embarassed' girl, shouts out greetings across the courtyard and smiles from ear to ear every time she is able to answer questions or respond correctly. and eden goes out of her way to show off any new vocabulary she learns. i feel very confident that we will only continue in our love and in our proficiency. and in fact eden has started messing up some very familiar english words and phrases, which of course i find incredibly endearing.
2. i wanted to spend large quantities of meaningful time with family and friends. and let me tell you, that one has been thoroughly checked off the list. between our family, old friends, past students, and new friends, we have been with people nearly non stop. and yes, that has been exhausting and its not sustainable at this rate. but the girls really know and love their uncles and aunts, cousins and friends. we managed to visit each of roberts 8 siblings in their homes, which was a huge feat since they are all incredibly busy with high level government and business jobs. and miraculously roberts mother, who has nearly lost all her short term memory, remembered us each time she saw us and was overjoyed to be with the girls. we were the recipients of so much hospitality, both in peoples homes and out at restaurants. even though i was mostly alone here as a single parent, i was never ever alone when i needed help or wanted to be with people. the amount of affection we received and were able to give back was just beyond my expectations.
3. i wanted the girls to grow deeply in their identity as rwandans. i wanted them to have experiences here that grounded them and grew parts of them that have been stagnant and unable to develop in america. i wanted them to not just know that they are half rwandan, but feel and love that they have this country in their blood. i wanted them to learn the birds and trees and feel that this life here is their life too. i wanted them to connect so deeply with the culture and people that they did not want to leave. and that mission has also been completed.
and its a strange thing to hope that your child's heart expands in a way that you know will involved pain. i wanted them to love it here, and hate to leave it. and as i hear them repeat the familiar phrase 'mom i want to go home, but i just can't leave here', and i see their tears and feel the ache they feel as they are stretched between these two continents, i am thankful for it even as it hurts them, and me. i am thankful that they have a tether to rwanda now, tied tightly around their darling hearts. and ill make it part of my life's work as their mother to make sure that nothing ever breaks or severs this cord.
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