familiar and comfortable

the first week and a half here were marked by high levels of anxiety for me.  the girls went from strange rashes to swollen lymph-nodes (which are still at play) to fevers (which keep popping up) and throwing up.  and there are a huge range of new dangers here.  traffic patterns and driving habits put pedestrians at totally different risk here.  and any time you are in a totally new environment with kids, they are just not as safe because their familiarity with obstacles is so much less.  not to mention that if they got separated from me, they would not be able to use their usual skillset of knowing and being able to communicate facts about where they live and who their parents are.  i have been feeling the pressure of needing to think ahead, predict every possible calamity, protect at all times.  and honestly ive been hovering like a mother hen.  and since we still don't know what eden is allergic to, i have had to be vigilant about her not climbing trees and exploring nature with her usual freedom, which has also been hard because keeping her out of nature is like trying to keep the white off rice.  honestly i have not been comfortable.  rwanda has seemed foreign and intimidating and i have felt overwhelmed tackling it as a parent alone.

but in the last week i would say that i have started to breathe in more deeply and i have begun to feel the familiar feeling of living, and being comfortable in, this country.  the girls have learned the appropriate boundaries and have earned much more freedom on the compound here.  last week i looked out over the hills at dusk and felt the anxiety of another night, another possible emergency that i felt unprepared for.  i saw the streets and perceived mostly chaos, danger, and confusion.  now i look over these hills as the light fades and im reminded why people say God rested here on the seventh day.  i see the busy streets and see vibrant, albeit chaotic, life. 

additionally, i have been so incredibly well cared for by friends and family alike, and i truly don't feel that i am alone here, or shouldering this undertaking alone.  people have invited us over for meals, sending us home with food afterwards.  they have taken responsibility for our transportation needs, treated us to meals out, and shown us the best parts of the city.  they have stopped by with items we need at home, and checked in to see if they can be of help in any way.  and it leaves me wondering, and imagining fondly, what it would be like to live here and have extended community with these people.  it makes me long for my children to truly know, not just recognize and be able to name, their family members.  i feel that tug that happens when you genuinely love people in places far away from each other.  it hurts, but i long for the girls to feel it deeply.  i long for them to feel drawn here, even if all it means is that we spend alot of their childhood (and our resources) traveling here as often and for as long as possible.  

we've been here for 2.5 weeks, only another 5.5 to go.  as i suspected they would, the days have begun to speed up and i feel like we hardly have enough time to do and experience all i hope for us before its wheels up to america again.