so, a few days in and the first wave of 'what in the world am i doing and why did i think i could do this?' set in. the last few nights have been rough. eden's whole body was covered in some sort of rash that stung and itched, and she had a fever both nights. she was hysterical and crying and really difficult to care for. and she needed me to soothe her and try to calm her and tend to her and sleep/not sleep with her. and then when i awoke this morning, ivy had thrown up all over her bed (and passed out in it like a frat guy). last night i was up to my eyeballs in exhaustion and fear and feeling like i was a prideful fool for thinking i could make a trip like this and do it well. i was paralyzed over the dread of making decisions by myself with no husband to bounce things off of in real time. that fear of not knowing what is best for your child in a scary situation and i was believing any and every negative and accusatory thought that came my way. (i reached out to one of my dear friends who sent me such encouraging words and encouragement in the midst of my exhausted tearful rant.)
but then, like he always does, God gave me a brand spanking new day and was already in it before i awoke. today was spent going to the doctor and hand washing puke covered sheets with two basins and a bar of soap (channeling my inner ma ingles). we ruled out malaria and virus so we assume edens reaction was an allergy, likely the grass she was rolling around in the first few days we were here. our dear friend took us to the doctor and to several other errands closer to town, and brought us home at the end of the day, medicine and food for the afternoon in hand. then we spent the evening with an old colleague of mine and her family.
while we were there the father spoke to me about how he thinks of us often and every time he remembers us, he thanks god because of a time that robert and i were able to pay for a necessary emergency surgery for his son years ago. he remembered the fear of having a sick child and not knowing how to care for them or even if you would have the resources. and i thought about how god had used us to provide for them then, and used friends and family to provide for us today. and tonight as i lay here, hopeful that i will actually sleep alone tonight and that each of the girls will sleep though the night without me (which is yet to happen since we arrived), i am content to know that whatever tonight or tomorrow brings, i am not ill equipped because i am not ever alone and we are not ever forgotten.
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