Welcome Ivy Ann Irema

its been five days since ivy ann arrived, and i am already forgetting the timing and details of her birth.  so here is my best attempt at getting down her birth story. martha took the majority of these photos, for which im so thankful.

in the days leading up to ivy ann's arrival, i had alot of contractions along with some very unusual pain across the front of my abdomen.  i had separated my pelvis to some degree in the weeks leading up, so i was in a substantial amount of pain, and continuing to throw up alot of what i ate. on thursday evening i contacted my midwife (and my consulting long distance doula; my sister) because i was feeling really uncomfortable and my belly was hurting in a way that it had not in the lead up to the other deliveries.  meghann recommended hands and knees for a while, and that did make the strange pain stop, for which i was thankful.  i was very off-put by the idea that labor might feel really different this time around, and did not know how to handle unfamiliar pain.  i also woke many times throughout the night with a sporadic contraction here or there.  none of them really hurt, and nothing was rhythmic or consistent.  but it was enough to make me aware that my body was gearing up for the big show.  i did manage to get some decent rest, which is good, because i hardly slept from the time i woke friday morning until the time i delivered mid-day on saturday.  

once i was awake for the morning on friday, i decided to clear my schedule for the day because i knew that either i was going to go into labor that day OR i would go into labor soon and would need to rest in order to save my strength for the impending task.  i was supposed to keep my friend's daughters and i let her know i could not.  i also arranged for eden to go with a friend to our nature co-op because i knew hiking and pushing a stroller were not going to be a part of my early labor story.  i told robert he should go ahead and go to work because keeping him home, waiting for the proverbial pot to boil, sounded like a stressful idea.  so i spent the morning resting, letting the girls watch a movie, and trying to play the mental teeter totter game of both preparing myself mentally for labor AND trying not to get too psyched up about labor in case it was still hours or days away.  i lost my mucus plug at some point, which also led me to believe that things were starting to get in motion.

on friday night i was tucking the girls into bed, singing them the slew of lullabies i have composed for them over the years, and i had a sense in my heart that it would be the last time.  they each hugged and kissed my belly and said goodnight to ivy ann and to me.  i took a bath, and then went to bed hoping to get whatever rest i could before the show began.  i hoped in this in vain, of course, because contractions had me up every hour of the night.  again, none of them really hurt, but they were a clear sign to me that my body was ready.  and they were just enough to ensure that i slept hardly at all that night. 

at around 2 am on saturday the 25th of august, exactly 40 weeks pregnant, i woke up to a huge contraction, where i literally felt her move down and myself open up in one big movement.  i also lost some more mucus and blood.  i knew immediately that we needed to be ready to leave, so we called the couple who were coming to stay at the house, and we got up and got ourselves ready.  we started watching forest gump, to pass the time while we waited for more of an indication about what was going to happen.  i continued to have contractions, rhythmic and close together, but none of them were really very uncomfortable.  i called my midwife, meghann, to try and figure out what my body was doing and what we should do in response.  after alot of back and forth we decided that i should just come in.  meghann was concerned that, since i had been experiencing early labor that was not typical for me, that my labor might speed up unexpectedly.  i was worried about going in too early and having to come back home if i were not dilated.  but then again, the idea of being in labor to the extent that i could not leave my home was a big enough motivator to get me to agree to go.  (especially because an acquaintance had just last week had her baby unexpectedly at home because of the speed of his arrival, and i was not interested in that).   

robert and i arrived at the hospital just in time for me to puke several times in the various garbage cans outside and then inside the lobby.  our midwife got a room ready for us, complete with essential oils and lights hung from the ceiling, and i was in the room and being checked by around 3:30.  i was at a 5, but still not really experiencing anything very intense.  additionally, the contractions had slowed way down in frequency.  so robert and i continued to watch forest gump, and i sat on an exercise ball, hoping that my hips would open up and labor would keep going.  i had a few strong contractions and decided that i wanted to be in the bath.  however, the bath slowed my contractions to a halt.  this was discouraging because the tub was everything you'd want a labor tub to be; deep and hot, with handles in all the intuitive places for bearing and bracing and jets to offset the pain.  additionally, the tub has been my very favorite place to labor in the past, and i had gone through both of my other transitions comforted by the warmth and the weightlessness.  i got out, returned to the ball, and hoped for the contractions to pick up again.  

after about an hour of not much action, robert and i decided to go for a walk around the grounds.  the sun was just coming up and we circled the entire hospital twice, which brought some contractions and gave me hope that perhaps i would not have to go home after all.  it was actually really special time, just walking together and anticipating the very near future.  it had been a long hard nine months.  i had been severely ill and totally unable to go about day to day life.  it had been demoralizing at times.  robert had compassion fatigue.  and i had puking fatigue (its a thing).  and i had been in so much pain from my separated pelvis.  and the initial news of the pregnancy had shaken us because we had not been planning on having another child.  but we could both tangibly feel that, like the sun starting to light the sky, this dark season was ending, and new life was about to be illuminated.  

when we returned to our room megan checked me again and i had progressed.  it was somewhere around 8 at this point and i had progressed to a 7.  we decided to try the tub again, since i was now heading into transition and we felt more sure that the tub would be the right place to be.  however, again it slowed my contractions and i had to get out.  even as i was going through the rest of transition, i never reached a point where the pain transported me to another place.  with both of the others i needed to be in the zone during transition; still able to make conversation here and there, but mostly needing to focus.  but i was chatting and joking and really present mentally.  the pain was no where near what i knew it would have to be before she came.  i felt impatient and unsure about what in the world my body was doing. 

at around 9:50 we decided to break my water, which meghann did while i was sitting on a birth stool.  let me tell you, having your water broken is not all that pleasant.  especially because, though my cervix was dilated to 9 at this point, ivy ann's head was in a funny position and meghann was not easily able to reach the bag of waters.  she had to hold my cervix in a certain position while she broke the water.  i will be thankful not to experience that again.  as soon as my waters were broken, i dilated to a 10.  i got on the bed to see if i could start pushing.  initially i was on one side, but only remained there briefly because i could not bear down well.  

for the next 45 minutes i pushed, without any progress, on my back with someone holding each leg for me.  each time i pushed meghann had to hold my cervix out of the way, which was excruciating.  i had pushed for this amount of time before, with eden, but never had i experienced such a long bout of pushing that brought no progress at all AND was so difficult because of meghann needing to have her hand holding my cervix in place.  

(ill take a moment to note that her skill in knowing what needed to be done, and how to do it, blows my mind.  midwives are among the most amazing professionals and individuals i ever meet.  meghann being with me was the a most significant gift.  even though it hurt like hell.)

at some point i decided i could not push any more and that i wanted to get on my hands and knees.  however, after a few contractions in that position, i realized that i could never imagine pushing like that.  i felt too untethered, with no grounding.  i just let the contractions come and i shook miserably as they overtook me one by one.  i also tried draping myself over the back of the bed, but found it to be similarly unhelpful.

at some point during this stage, eden (my 5 year old) and martha (a very close friend) arrived.  it was incredible to have them there because martha has a new baby who i did not think she would be able to leave.  and i also did not know if eden would be able to handle being present.  i had left the invitation open to martha, as well as the final decision about bringing her.  they arrived and i heard eden remark several times about how it looked like i was in so much pain.  she was on to something, that one.  

i was standing, which was excruciating, and i could literally feel ivy ann trying to be born.  she was low and heavy and my pelvis was on fire.  i kept repeating that i could not push her out, that i WOULD not push her out.  that i demanded a plan b.  that i wanted something to make the pain stop.  i basically lost my mind and my ability to have any clear thought save one: i will absolutely not birth this child. meghann tried to get me to sit down and pee but i realized just as i was about to sit that she was trying to get me to have the baby, which i had previously resolved NOT to do.  so i of course refused to sit down.  eventually i made it back to the table and just stood there next to it, refusing to get on, being knocked over by wave and relentless wave of pain and pressure.  

(at some point eden was getting very concerned for me so martha went with her to get some water for me.  and when they came back, everything changed.)

meghan eventually looked at me and told me that we had reached an impasse; i wanted another way.  there was no other way.  she lovingly and firmly told me to get back on the bed and have my baby.  she insisted that i say out loud that i can, and that i will.  and then i heard eden's voice and it was like i came out of a fog.  'i am a mother' i remembered.  'i have to do this, because i am a mother'.  i said out loud that i could, and that i would.  i got back on the bed.  meghann confirmed that everything was different and that ivy ann was in a perfect position to be born. i pushed with every bit of strength i had left, and finally that stubborn little stinker of mine crowned.  

as she did, eden observed that she looked just like a plum.  meghann asked if eden wanted to touch the head.  eden was disinclined.  rather than relaxing as i waited for the next contraction, i held her at crowning, unwilling to lose even a small amount of the progress we had finally made.  the next contraction came and i pushed past all of the fear, and bore down with all my might.  the third contraction meghann instructed me to give little pushes over and over.  and before i knew it, ivy ann had appeared.  meghann told me to grab her, which i i did in a state of disbelief, and i pulled her up onto my belly.  

i would like to say that my first thoughts were of love and affection and overwhelming joy at meeting my daughter.  in reality my first thoughts were closer to 'thank God i am done. thank God i did not break apart.  thank God i am still alive'.  shortly thereafter i remembered ivy ann and looked down at the breathtaking bundle on my chest, covered in the dressings of birth, making a few first air filled sounds.  eden came over and cut the cord, one of the most meaningful things ive ever experienced as a mother, and the flurry of excited observations came flooding from every person in the room.  she was beautiful, she was perfect, she had so much hair.  jessi arrived with etta mae and my parents arrived shortly after. 

she was here and she was mine.  

and thank the good good Lord, my nine months (to the day) of labor were finally over.