nine months pregnant

there is a time for everything.  i believe it, ive seen it proven to be true over and over again in my life.  there is a particular time and place that are right for the beginning or ending of a season.  and i know that the end of this season of pregnancy is coming.  i know it will arrive right on time.  i know she will arrive right on time.

but after nine months of being ill, very ill, and having my ability to be a wife and mother seriously diminished...and my ability to stay nourished and hydrated seriously diminished...  and my ability to be a present and thoughtful friend SERIOUSLY diminished...im having trouble trusting in the timing.  
im so anxious to return to the self i was, while also knowing that i will never be her completely because with a new child i myself will change.  but the version of me where i can make plans and know that i am likely to be able to keep them (not that i will be at the utter mercy of my stomach) sounds so exciting.  the version of me where i can read aloud to my kids without worrying that i will have to run to the bathroom and throw up during the middle of the story.  the version of me where i can go on a date with my husband and not immediately lose the meal that we had saved our date night money for.  THAT version of me can return.  and i want her back.  so so badly.  i like her. 

mercifully certain elements of this season, the final weeks and days, has been so sweet to me.  it causes me to take a few extra breaths during moments that are about to slip by unnoticed and just think 'this might be the last time the four of us are sitting around the dinner table while im still pregnant' or 'this might be my last hike to a hidden creek with my two girls out and my one girl in' or 'this might be the last time i only have two to tuck in at night'.  or, with a good bit of nostalgia, 'this is probably the last time i will ever be waiting for labor to begin'.  and those pauses make grateful for this time.  i am thankful as i notice robert being swept up in the sweetness and uniqueness of those types of moments; our eyes meeting with that knowing look of 'this is our life, how is this our life?'.  i have treasured alot of them up and kept them in my heart.  perfect and just the way i want to remember the end of this season.    

so here i am, at the tip of the diving board, no going back, just waiting for my cue to plunge right on in. 

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