reflecting and resolving

for all of the month of december and i was up to my eyeballs in busyness.  i cant really even think what it was that had me so busy because i didnt feel like i had a lot on my schedule.  but it seemed that i was rushing around every day from thing to thing.  post office, library, park, traders, costco.  everything just feels more rushed in december, even if its the same errands i run all year round.  i guess its especially true because i always want december to go by slowly and so of course it speeds right past me.  and also true because the days are shorter and colder so i literally am rushing against the darkness and the cold.  

christmas is over and we had a fantastic visit with my family.  i shared a little video about it here and i will post about later.  but for now ill just say it was ten days and it was relaxing and rejuvenating.  here is a favorite from the week. these two cousins.  smh

i feel excited about the new year.  i have to admit i am not excellent at new year's resolutions.  i cant even remember the ones i made this time last year, which is evidence against me.  there was one year when i gave up chocolate for a whole year and that was hard.  i actually stuck with that one.  but aside from that one, its been a wash. and as i look back over last year i dont see much intention on my part.  i feel like my primary goal was to survive.  survive being sick and pregnant.  survive child-birth.  survive a new baby.  survive going from one to two kids.  survive moving out of a house that i just did not want to leave and into a house that i was just not that excited about.  it was alot of surviving.  

but i have to say, i feel like i ended up doing a bit more than surviving.  etta's birth was really amazing and i loved the process (though not in the moment).  eden is a great big sister and the transition that i dreaded ended up being such a delightful blessing.  eden was, and continues to be, an excellent big sister.  and etta as a newborn was wonderful. and etta as an eight month old is wonderful. and she has pretty much just been that way the whole time.  and moving did suck.  and i dont like our house now. but you cant have everything.   i am so thankful for team agaba, as eden calls it.  

i do have a list though, and i hope i can remember it at this time in a year.  some of my resolutions have to do with my personal life, some with my spiritual walk, some with my business, some with my life as a mother, as a wife.  the overarching themes of my resolutions mostly fall under two broad goals;  to be authentic and disciplined.  

1. wake up before the kids.  this is for several reasons.  i need the quiet time in the word before the day starts.   its the only way my heart has any chance of being anything resembling soft toward my kids, my husband, really toward anything.  i also need the chance to get my head on straight before little people need me all day.  its just the simple truth that any day that eden has to pull me out of bed just starts slowly and goes badly.  so, up early. 

2. be disciplined about what i eat.  this is broad but what it means for me specifically, especially these first few months of the year, is to consciously give myself food and drink that will nourish me not just momentarily satisfy me.  choosing food that will give me the long term, delayed gratification of good health rather than fleeting momentary gratification. im participating in arbonne's 30 days to healthy living right now, and i hope to keep it up for at least the first few months of the year.  i want to fuel myself and my family well.  

3. work out at least thrice a week.  this is something i should absolutely be able to achieve. not sure exactly when or how, still working that out with the juggling of my schedule, the girls, and robert.  but i have to put this on the calendar.  i just feel better when i am active. that is that. 

4. treat my business like a business.  i have an incredible opportunity to make life-changing income for my family and to share the opportunity with others and i am committed to actually doing the work that it takes. discipline is not something that comes naturally to me in this field and its high on my list for the year.

and then specifically to do with being authentic

5. i am really really insecure.  alot.  insecure in friendships and in my marriage and as a mother.  and this leads to numerous problems.  it makes me be defensive and passive aggressive when i am in the wrong.  i know i have hurt those closest to me in this way. and it also to means i never have true assurance of people's affection for me.  i just wait around for people to stop wanting relationship with me.  and it stinks.  i am determined to be authentic in relationships and to be willing to hear the constructive things that people who love me tell me.  i am also determined to be secure in my friendships and actually believe that people value me.  both of those things are tall orders.  

i have plenty more little goals here and there that have to do with photo taking and documenting and being organized and minimalist, but those five really sum up most of what i am working toward.  realizing, of course, that all of this assumes that God is continually doing work in me and through me to accomplish his plans.