On Having Two

so i have been a mother to two for three weeks now and these are my random lists of thoughts and observations...
-its harder.  there is still only one of me and i have all the same amounts of hands and feet and brains that i had before (though i possibly have less brains now, its up in the air) but there are more demands on every part of my person than there were before.  math is not my strong suit, but i can understand the basic 2 > 1 thing we have going on here.
-that being said, its no where near as hard as i thought it would be.  i think a large part of that is because of eden. she is the most darling and affectionate big sister i could ever have hoped she would be.  she loves her baby a huge amount and is constantly asking to snuggle her or hold her or coming running as soon as she hears etta mae cry.  she sings songs to her and pets her on the head.  its enough to make a mama's heart curl up and die of happiness.  in addition, she is also just a really delightful kid.  she listens and obeys and mostly trusts my words.  and when she has disobeyed, she is genuinely apologetic and desires reconciliation.  i get tears in my eyes multiple times a day because im overwhelmed by her sweetness.  having a second with her as my first makes all the difference.  
-eden is still a two year old.  and since i am not used to the necessity of her managing herself more and me being able to be present less, i am more worried that she will do something that she shouldn't.  so im really on her case, alot.  and i can see that it exasperates her and makes her discouraged.  she looks at me like 'really mom, you have something to say about THIS too?'  and i feel her.  i know i am just telling her 'no' and 'stop' and 'dont' all day.  and im praying that God will help me put the brakes on that so that i dont drive her to disobedience and frustration.   
-sleep is a beautiful thing.  not sleeping...less beautiful.  i can't complain, etta mae has never woken up more than once a night for her whole three weeks of life.  but even that amount of sleep for me; staying up till 11:30, followed by the 4 hours followed by the 3 hours, is not enough to be as energetic as one needs to be to bounce through the day with eden. homegirl b-o-u-n-c-e-s through life.  she has only one level of energy...100%.  she has one volume..max.  and the sleep im getting is not the sleep i need.  ill just say that.
-like all my friends told me before etta came, my heart has expanded in ways i did not know were possible.  and its weird because my love for them is so very different, but equally strong.  my love for eden is this special thing that ill never have with any of my other kids.  she made me a mother, and there is nothing else that can be like that.  but etta mae has made me into a totally different mother.  i mean, i am the same me but i am in a place of personal growth and maturity that i could never have approached without etta mae.  and im only just beginning to figure out who this me is.  and i owe all that to etta.  so both of them have changed me in ways only they could.  and i love them both equally but uniquely for those reasons.

photos by the incredible christine lu 


Post a Comment