we made it. thats all that i can say is true at the moment. etta mae was born, we did the hospital stay and we are home. the birth story will come when i have the time and focus to write it up. but for now, lets just say, we made it!
these first few hours and day are full of alllll the feels. looking at eden, i am simultaneously overwhelmed with pride at how big and grown up and wonderful she is AND laden with sorrow that she is no longer my baby. before etta mae, eden was my one and only sidekick. it was her who made me a mother, and now i somehow feel one degree removed from that. i am trying to wrap my head and heart around the idea that the little baby who made me a mother is never going to be my only or my youngest again, and will always be my eldest now. my bid kid.
like any mother of a new sibling, i am trying to be very very conscious about making special time for eden, paying attention to her, including her, and singling her out. but even as i am doing so in just these first few days, i wonder how in the world parents keep this up. how do you figure out how to communicate all the love you have to BOTH of your kids when each one has different needs and you have to show that love in different ways accordingly? this is not a rhetorical question people, i need answers.
people keep asking me if i feel bonded with etta mae. and i absolutely do. she feels like such a part of me and such a part of us. but it is a different bond than i felt with eden. when eden was born there were all these feelings, good and bad, that came along with number one. the fear and uncertainty, the awe and responsibility, the unbridled joy and pride, and the scared out of my mind that i would mess up. with etta mae, i dont feel that insecurity; i know i can keep a kid alive fairly decently at this point. but there is also not that flood of the new identity that came when i went from not a mom to a mom with eden. so its different, but totally real. make sense? yeah me neither.
i will say that i kept having this feeling, mostly at the hospital but even now at home, where i look at etta mae and think 'wow you are my daughter. but you are not eden. weird. who are you?' i am sure that i will start figuring out who she is. for now i will say she is content and peaceful, hates having her diaper changed, and loves it when her gramma j holds her and briefs her on the goings on in the world.
i will share about birth, our visitors, the girls meeting and so many other things as i find the time and brainergy. but for now, etta mae is here, and we are in love.