resolved to be present

so i have about two more months now until our second daughter is born.  amazingly, it seems like both a very long road, stretching out in front of the that is never ending AND like i am strapped to the front of a train and racing toward a moment that will be here before i know it.  i go back and forth, depending on the situation.  i feel so uncomfortable and so ready to have this girl, and moments like that make me feel like there is no way my mind and body can stand another two full months of pregnancy.  the aches and pains and grunts that escape my lips when i try to do complicated things like moving...those all make me feel like the next two months will stretch on forever.  and its a bit much for me to handle.  

but then when i realize that i have almost nothing ready, no room, no diapers, no real idea of what i am going to do with two children under my care...those moments make me feel the train way.  and its also a bit much for me to handle.  i bought a car-seat this week, so i guess that is something.  

and i keep being overwhelmed by the reality that things will never ever be the same again once she is born.  i mean its always true isnt it?  that nothing will ever be the same as it is right now.  but certain realities make that truth seem even more true.  and the idea of going from having one delightful child who gets all my mommy attention to having two children who both need and want my attention, makes me very very aware of how nothing will ever be the same.  and i am excited, i am.  i look at eden and see how big she is and long for the days when she was a small little fleshy newborn.  and i am comforted immediately knowing that i will have another newborn very soon to fill up my arms.  

but there is a small part of me, somewhere, that almost feels like im mourning the loss of this one on one thing that eden and i have going on.  does that make me terrible?  i hope not.  i guess mourning is an extreme word.  i guess what im really feeling is just very very resolved and determined to be really present with eden for these next two months.  i want to frequently let the thought pass through my mind that this is my daughter, this is me with my first born, and its special and precious and its fleeting.  and i want my second born to be born, and i want our lives to change.  but i don't want to let these moments go by without acknowledging them for what they are.   

so in response, in attempts to make myself acknowledge and pay homage to these moments, i am making an ongoing list of resolutions in my mind.  

im resolved to stop what i am doing when she asks me to watch her jump or dance or when she asks me to clap because she is on a stage on the coffee table and im her biggest fan.

im resolved to read that book, yet again, because she sits still and enraptured for a few minutes and i get to hold her on my ever shrinking lap.

im resolved to answer her unending 'why mommy' questions over and over again because she wont always ask for my explanation or opinion and i want to love that she does right now.

im resolved to be a few minutes later to work because i actually sat with her at the breakfast table and talked with her about whatever narrative is playing through her mind at the moment.

im resolved to indulge, in small ways, in mommy and daughter dates and special outings that just wont be the same with a baby in tow.

im resolved to let her know that nothing will ever take away one iota of my love for her, not even a brand new baby.

im resolved to be present, and enjoy the present.  always.