One Year Later

one year later, and still

- you come to mind nearly every day.  not because i know you are gone, but because i hear or see something that makes me think of calling you, and then i remember that i cant.

- i mourn the loss of you in the lives of my children.  i think of how eden would adore you and your duck noises.  i think of how she loves your son, her uncle tommy. and how she will never know my uncle tom.

-i hear a lame joke, and i think about how you would have told a better one

-i look at a photo of you smiling and i can hear your laugh audibly in my ears and in my heart 

-i think of how proud you would be of the men who were once your small curly haired boys

-i read a witty and sarcastic article and, when forwarding to my brother and father, i think of how id love to hear your response as well

-dwelling on any memory of you brings instant tears to my eyes and i still shake my head in disbelief.  how can something so real and so true and so raw and close to my heart still manage to feel unreal and untrue and far away?  even after a year, i wait to find out that you did not really leave us.  i wait to discover that we were all deceived and that you are somewhere here smiling, making someone else smile.   

Christmas time was always punctuated by the anticipation of being enveloped in your arms upon my return home.  it was always marked by the anticipation of hearing those notes, so clear, and so pure, ringing out over all of us, in awe as you called us to remember again the holy night when our savior came.  and those notes, chaotic and boisterous, as you led us all in merry merry singing about all sorts of silly things like pear trees and golden rings.

on year later and im still not even remotely close to swallowing the reality that ill never ever see you this side of heaven again.  

im not so sure that i ever will. 

Comments

  1. Wow. I hear your grief Laura. More than you know. My heart is with yours.
    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow. I hear your grief Laura. More than you know. My heart is with yours.
    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Laura, this is so beautifully written and makes me mourn the loss of such a man as well.

    ReplyDelete

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