ready or not, we're all done

i thought that i would feel more ready, much more ready to be done. 

i mean i remember feeling KNOWING that i would never be anything ever again except an overworked and exhausted cow

a source of milk

i remember thinking that i would not ever be able to do anything in life again because i would always be feeding my daughter.  

movies? i can't, im breastfeeding right now
dinner?  no way, i have to feed my baby for the next 72 hours non stop

i felt like that would be my every single day.

my life was over.  this was it.  just feeding and bleeding and being sore and exhausted.

and i remember that feeling being so tangible that it felt like a weight pressing down on my chest, full of milk as it was.

and i had an infection, oh what a deal that was.  feeling like a razor was cutting me from nipple to armpit every time she fed.

id whisper 'i love you, i love you, i love you' to pump myself up before putting her on to feed.

and i did it all random hours of the night for the first two or three months.  

and i did it in public places under or not so under a hooter hider

and i did it in the car when it was 90 degrees outside

and on airplanes to help her tiny ears

and i pumped in a dark closet multiple times a day at work so that she could have my milk.

and i did this for the better part of 14 months.

so i guess i imagined that by the time this morning happened, i would feel all sorts of free and liberated.  

i guess that her staring blankly at me when i offered her milk, shaking her head, and pointing to her hairbrush instead (its a thing, she loves to brush hair) should have made me feel proud that we had reached this moment and she was big and knew what she wanted and had outgrown the boob.

but i did not feel any of those things that i have been waiting to feel

i felt sad, and my eyes welled up, and all i wanted was that tiny babe who knew nothing but the breast and wanted me all the time.

its been just morning and night now for a while, with the nights happening less and less due to her lack of interest.  but i still cherished those times.  first thing, before im even awake, and last thing in the evening before she goes down.  its just her and me.  the only thing that i can give her that ONLY i can give her.

and thats over now.  so...  

i dont really have a conclusion.  just wanted to say for the record that its happening, ready or not, and im not really ready at all.  

i guess i need to get more and more used to the happy, silverware brandishing, version of eden. we made it here, and i am proud.  but i wouldn't mind just a few more months girl.  
'you put WHAT in this food?!?'