the build up around my heart

plaque is that nasty grimy stuff that builds up on your teeth.  do you know what i am talking about? a little bit starts to form and then before you know it, its just a mess.  i don't take great care of my teeth so i might know more about plaque than you do.  but lets both agree, its nasty.


lately there has been his layer of plaque around my heart. it started to form slowly and i did not really notice it.  just skipping a few weeks months days of Bible reading here and there. just becoming a bit too busy to stop and earnestly ask for direction or wisdom.  just being a little too caught up in taking care of my husband and my daughter to take care of my heart.  just substituting time with the lord for time with friends (however good that time may be) and before i know up.  

before i know it i am tossed about by every worry that comes my way.  bills, childcare, jobs, i have no foundation to stand on and no solid rock.  and it feels like there is this ickyness in my heart that i just want to scoop out with a spoon and get it out.  yes, there might be some hormonal things going on. yes, i am overwhelmed by life's circumstances at the moment.  yes, eden is in a new phase that is annoying less delightful than usual.  

but none of those things are the root problem.  they are all symptoms of a much more serious condition.  the condition of my heart.  i have been severely negligent in my reading of the word to the extent now that i hardly desire it.  my prayer life is non-existent.  and the more i stay away, the more overwhelming returning to that book feels.  

'but there will be so much conviction'

'but i will feel so guilty'

'but where would i even start at this point?'

but then i listened to this song this morning and i was thankful that God reached out to me in a song when i would not turn to Him in His word.

In every station new trial and troubles call for more grace than I can afford

Where can I go but to my dear Savior for mercy that pours from boundless stores

Grace upon grace every sin repaired, every void restored you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you with grace upon grace

He made a way for the fallen to rise; perfect in glory and sacrifice
In sweet communion my need He supplies
He saves and keeps and guards my life

To Thee I run now with great expectation to honor you with trust like a child
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
And all that You ask your grace will provide

grace upon grace
thank you