one year later

one year ago today i was on my way to boston to spend a weekend with one of my very best friends, kristina, and meet her new little man cohen.  the year before, in september, kristina had been able to tell me in person about her pregnancy with cohen and i was anticipating being able to do the same.  i was almost 6 weeks pregnant with my first baby.  

to some people six weeks pregnant means that you have a 'fetus' in side of you, or maybe even just an 'embryo'.  to some people its an unwelcome reality check.  to some people its terrifying (and understandably so). to some people its an accident or a problem to be 'fixed'. to some people this means there is potential for life, but that life has not yet begun.

but i was pregnant with my baby.  my child.  a gift from the hand of God himself.

and i was thrilled beyond measure.

one year ago today today i lost that little baby.  i started bleeding while on the airplane and proceeded to have a very painful (both physically and emotionally) weekend.  instead of joyful news when kristina and peter picked me up from the airport, i had to explain what was currently happening in my body (its messy and painful).  i was absolutely devastated.  i wrote more about that weekend here and here.  (there is also a wonderful post about the miscarriage conversation here.) thankfully kristina and her dear husband peter took excellent care of me and God used them, and baby cohen, to bring me great comfort. i was also blessed to visit with another dear friend, becky, who encouraged me greatly.

i grieved and wrote and prayed and cried and therapy crafted  for days, weeks. (it was really helpful to have something to put my hands to that did not require much mental awareness and as a result i made...alot of christmas ornaments.)

less than a month later, on the first of december, i found out i was pregnant again.  i was afraid, but i decided to trust that God would sustain my new baby if it was His will and that He would take him or her home if it was His will.  and that my worrying about it would not change a thing. by God's incredible grace, i was able to carry that sweet baby to full term and deliver a beautiful and healthy baby girl, eden.  i love her more than my own life and i would never trade her for anything.

and i know that if i had not lost my first baby, i would not have eden.  

and i don't know how to work all that out in my head.

but i DO know that i still feel the loss of the sweet little one who only got to grow for a little while and never got to see the light of day in this beautiful world.

and i DO trust God's plans.

and so i take today to acknowledge the life lost on november 2, 2012.  

i acknowledge the lives mourned by my friends who have also had to watch their dreams of life slip away due to miscarriage.  

and i acknowledge and grieve for the millions of children who have been intentionally ripped from the womb that should have nurtured them.  babies who could have grown and flourished and been born beautiful.

and i am thankful that God allowed me to heal and bear life again.  

i will never forget you baby.  and ill still love you every day.