bluer these days

these days i am having feeling pretty blue about leaving eden every day.  i have never liked it but i had come to the place where i was ok with leaving her and able to work throughout the day.  but lately i have been agonizing over all the things i know i am missing when i leave her with someone else all day.  

(disclaimer: eden has wonderful care-takers.  sarah takes excellent care of her and when sarah is unavailable i have incredibly capable friends who step in. BUT they are not me.  and i want my baby with me.)

when i look at her these days i feel my heart literally swell with love.  i worry it might grow too big and explode through my chest.  i stare at her in wonder while she is eating or playing or making the cooing noises i have come to cherish.  every little move of her fingers or lips or eyes, i just eat each one up.  i understand mary treasuring moments with her baby and keeping them in her heart.  i feel like i need to backup each and every moment and store it in my mental hard drive.  and if i am not with her all day i am missing so many moments.  especially now that it is dark by five, i don't even have any day time in which i could walk with her outside in the sunshine.  i know that realistically even if i stay home i can't be there for every single moment of her life.
 but i feel like i want to try and be there for as much as i can.


  1. Dear Laura,
    i will be praying for you that the Lord will grant your heart's desire to stay at home and take care of your little cutie! God is able! I was going through the same issues when i had my first child and i used to agonise in prayer about wishing to stay home with my baby yet our financial situation required two incomes! One day i decided to go to my boss and requested to work part time. I was surprised that he said yes and i started working only four hours a day! No body had ever done that! It was God! I have been able to do that until today! three babies later!! i still have an income, not as much as i did before, but the time spent with my kids, nothing can replace it! keep on brining it before the Lord and i will pray with you too. hugs to your beautiful trio!


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