these days i am having feeling pretty blue about leaving eden every day. i have never liked it but i had come to the place where i was ok with leaving her and able to work throughout the day. but lately i have been agonizing over all the things i know i am missing when i leave her with someone else all day.
(disclaimer: eden has wonderful care-takers. sarah takes excellent care of her and when sarah is unavailable i have incredibly capable friends who step in. BUT they are not me. and i want my baby with me.)
when i look at her these days i feel my heart literally swell with love. i worry it might grow too big and explode through my chest. i stare at her in wonder while she is eating or playing or making the cooing noises i have come to cherish. every little move of her fingers or lips or eyes, i just eat each one up. i understand mary treasuring moments with her baby and keeping them in her heart. i feel like i need to backup each and every moment and store it in my mental hard drive. and if i am not with her all day i am missing so many moments. especially now that it is dark by five, i don't even have any day time in which i could walk with her outside in the sunshine. i know that realistically even if i stay home i can't be there for every single moment of her life.
but i feel like i want to try and be there for as much as i can.