this fight against fear

ive been a mother now for about 2.5 months.  those months have been full of alot of feelings and emotions...

love.joy.wonder.awe.happiness.exhaustion.confusion.frustration.curiosity.fascination.bliss.

fear

as a follower of Christ i know that i am instructed and encouraged by the scriptures not to live with a spirit of fear influencing me, but to remember that God is my provider and that He is in control.  and i know that.  and i trust that. in my head it makes a perfect kind of sense.

but when i let my raw emotions take over, fear rises very quickly to the top of this list.

i have always had a very difficult time reading the news because i have a very empathic heart and i immediately put myself in the place of the sufferers i read about and i am acutely affected.  i especially struggle with violence toward people because i imagine it, very vividly  and am unable to get those pictures out of my head.

a man tortured.

a woman raped.

a child beaten.

i could never handle reading those things BEFORE i had a child.

but then i had my daughter, and i went from not being able to handle those things to being utterly undone by them because its no longer a stranger in a far away place being hurt in the visions that fill my mind.

its eden. my daughter. my flesh. my blood.

my mind runs wild with fear that she will be hurt or abused or attacked or neglected or any number of things that can fill a mother's mind.  and all of that trust that i had, all of that confidence in God's power and control and providence...out the window.

what kind of a world have i brought her into?  its dark and evil and full of pain and suffering and hatred and disgusting sin.

by far the biggest struggle ive had as a mother is learning to trust God to love and care for my daughter.  He created her, formed her in my womb, sustained her and brought her into the world.  and even when i am not with her or able to protect her, His perfect will is always in play.

and that is going to have to be enough for this mama.  i am going to have to learn to trust Him every day that He will keep her physically safe and, so much more importantly, that He will safeguard her heart and bind it like a fetter to Him.

so if you pray for eden and me, pray that i trust our maker to care for her and to help me daily walk in the assurance that all His plans are perfect and holy and righteous. 

thanks.