Eden 101

did you ever take a course in college where you felt like everything you were learning was new and it was so hard to get enough of a foundation each to build on for the next day?  did you ever get frustrated because you thought you had figured something out, only to discover that you had not really figured out anything at all???

i feel like i am in a full time course on how to be eden's mother, and there is no instructor. i am the teacher and the student at the same time. 

some days i pass with flying colors and i am convinced that i am the absolute best person for this job.

sometimes i am an absolute failure at life and i can't imagine how i will ever get it right.

some days i feel i know her so well and can perfectly understand her needs.

sometimes i hear her cries and whimpers and wonder "what in the world are you trying to tell me???"

it feels like every day someone dumps out the pieces of a 500,000 piece puzzle in front of me and says 'oh yeah, forgot to mention, this is one of those with no photo to guide you...good luck' sometimes i can do what i did the day before and it works again. sometimes i have to start all over and try to figure out how the picture will look today.

i love eden so much that i don't know what to do with myself. but sometimes it scares the tar out of me.

i have moments where i just can't wait for her to go to sleep so that i can feel normal for just one second, but then as soon as she does go to sleep, i come downstairs and turn on my video monitor and just watch her sleep.  and then, when its about 10 minutes till her nap is over, i can't help but go get her up and hold her for a while.  i am giddy with excitement as i creep into her room and whisper sweetnesses into her ear.

i have moments of looking at her and asking God what in the world he was thinking giving me this impossible task.  i wonder if there is a 'return to sender' option for babies.  or at least a 'please re-send later when i am more mature and selfless and wise'.

and then i have moments, much more often than not, when i look at her and feel pangs in my very soul telling me that my life will never be the same...and thats a great thing.


  1. it really is like being both a teacher and a student; that's a great analogy..


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