so last night was our worst night yet. i am not sure what was going on, i think that she was having trouble getting gas/poop out and it made her all sorts of uncomfortable (and all sorts of wide awake and crying) and it was a long night where only three hours were spent in slumber.
and in the twilight hours when all i wanted was for her to stop making noises and go to sleep, i completely lost my ability to be patient. it was like all my love for her went out the window and all i could fixate on was what i wanted and needed...sleep and sanity. i reverted to my go to settings, which are selfishness and self-preservation. with every fuss or cry i became more and more ready to pull my hair out.
and i actually felt, in my heart, anger toward her.
i was angry that she would not just be quiet. i was frustrated that she could not just get it together. she knows the routine, she knows she is supposed to sleep at night.
why couldn't she just make it happen!?!
we made it through the night by the skin of our teeth and when i awoke to her sweet, non-gas induced noises this morning, my eyes immediately filled with tears as i remembered the feelings i had harbored during the night. i immediately went and got my sweet one and brought her to my bed and began apologizing and asking for her to forgive me (which i think is very important for parents to do fyi, even though at this stage she has no idea).
'i am sorry that i got so angry'
'i am sorry that i did not like you very much'
'i am sorry that i expected more of you than was possible for you to perform'
'i am sorry that i lacked so many fruits of the holy spirit last night, namely patience'
'mama loves you, please forgive me'.
thankfully today is a new day
where naps can be savored and God offers forgiveness to a selfish and sleep-deprived new mother and a chance to trust him more today with the life and health of this little one.
and in the twilight hours when all i wanted was for her to stop making noises and go to sleep, i completely lost my ability to be patient. it was like all my love for her went out the window and all i could fixate on was what i wanted and needed...sleep and sanity. i reverted to my go to settings, which are selfishness and self-preservation. with every fuss or cry i became more and more ready to pull my hair out.
and i actually felt, in my heart, anger toward her.
i was angry that she would not just be quiet. i was frustrated that she could not just get it together. she knows the routine, she knows she is supposed to sleep at night.
why couldn't she just make it happen!?!
we made it through the night by the skin of our teeth and when i awoke to her sweet, non-gas induced noises this morning, my eyes immediately filled with tears as i remembered the feelings i had harbored during the night. i immediately went and got my sweet one and brought her to my bed and began apologizing and asking for her to forgive me (which i think is very important for parents to do fyi, even though at this stage she has no idea).
'i am sorry that i got so angry'
'i am sorry that i did not like you very much'
'i am sorry that i expected more of you than was possible for you to perform'
'i am sorry that i lacked so many fruits of the holy spirit last night, namely patience'
'mama loves you, please forgive me'.
thankfully today is a new day
where naps can be savored and God offers forgiveness to a selfish and sleep-deprived new mother and a chance to trust him more today with the life and health of this little one.
I know the feelings. Beautifully put. I have had to apologize to Simone so much lately...it's really hard finding yet another area of your life, not matter how called to and in love with it that you feel, that you can't do perfectly and find yourself constantly needing God's grace. First he gives us husbands, the he gives us kids! But His grace is sufficient, made perfect in our weakness. To know our weakness is to know that abundant sufficient grace. Bring it on!
ReplyDeleteHave grace for yourself. We have all been there. Praying. Those nights are so tough, and no advice is needed...Sending love your way! Joce
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