just out of my reach

so i have observed many of my pregnant friends reach a point where they are just ready for baby.  and i guess i always assumed that this feeling was more in regards to not wanting to be pregnant anymore, after 9 months of having your body hi-jacked by uncontrollable forces. and while i guess that is part of it, i am realizing now that my readiness is not really about being ready to have my body back (though that may contribute to it).  the readiness is, at least in my case, this supreme awareness that my baby girl is coming.  and not just coming some day, in the future, but coming now, this month.  maybe this week.  maybe today.  for 9 months, she has been this eventual outcome that i am vaguely able to comprehend.  now she is this inevitable giant huge life changing presence that is just around the corner.

and it has filled me with this sense of awe and anticipation that i can hardly stand.  every time she moves, i think 'i want to see what that looks like' or 'i want to feel that move with my arms, not my belly'.  i dream about holding her and wake up only to realize she is still just out of my reach.  and yet, she is always with me, and has been for so long.  i can't wrap my mind around it.  i mean, she will be no more with me when she is born, in fact she will be less 'with' me than she has ever been before.  she has been my reality every day for all this time, and yet i have never even seen her.  i feel like i know her, and she knows me, better than anyone, and yet i can't tell you if she has a head full of hair or none at all.  i know all there is to know about her, and yet nothing at all really.  i had some pretty intense false labor over the weekend, which got my heart all sorts of excited, only to still not have her.  what an emotional roller-coaster.   

its wild.

i guess this post is really just me trying to get the crazy thoughts that are swimming around in my head out and make sense of them.   not really sure if that happened or not.  but all of that to say, i am SO ready to meet her and know her and love her...

baby little lady, will you please come now?  


  1. I missed this post while on vacation. It's beautiful. thanks.


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