who of you by worrying...

i have been convicted lately that i have been living in fear.  this fear has stemmed from hoping in specific situations or outcomes, and then being petrified at the thought of any variation to those outcomes.  for example, i have been hoping that E will be born a certain way, or that robert will finish school on a specific date or get a certain job, or even that we will stay in richmond for a specific amount of years.  

i make plans, as we planners tend to do, and then i hold so tightly to them and hope so greatly in them that the idea of something contrary happening is terrifying to me.

and this is no way for a believer to live.  i know, beyond any doubt, that God is sovereign and has a good and perfect plan for all things in my life. i know that every circumstance in my life will, by his ordination, sanctify me and bring glory to him, even if i have no ability to perceive the way in which everything fits together.  i do not need to live in fear about E's life, robert's college and career, our location, or even my own sanctification.  not only do i not need to live in fear, it is sinful for me to do so.  because i can say that i trust God till i'm blue in the face, but if my life is marked by worry, i am not actually trusting him.  somewhere, deep in my heart, i think that my plans and my versions of my future are better than his.  and that is appalling and foolish.

i am praying and asking God to help me with my propensity to worry, because my worry is ultimately rooted in sin.  yes, there is a small part of it that is based in responsibility and being an adult, but the majority is just plain old fashioned sin.  and now, especially as i am about to become a mother, i want my life to marked by habitual sin less and less.

so i am encouraging myself that every single thing that God has ordained will come to pass and that i will be made more holy and he will be honored and glorified.   and if i am a true believer, aren't those two of the things that i should hope in greatly anyway?