one of the most incredible things i have encountered in my human experience is the ability to feel multiple incredibly deep and powerful conflicting emotions about a certain situation or person at the same time and in the same place. anyone with children knows this. you love them so much that you would jump in front of a car for them, but those same humans can make you feel like clawing out your own eyeballs out might be a less painful experience than repeating THE SAME INSTRUCTION AGAIN.
another example of this phenomenon is how i cant believe that we are into our last three weeks here and it just tears me apart. this has been some of the most formative, grounding and beautiful time we have had as a family. we have grown and stretched our hearts and minds, and we have put down roots in a place far away from our home. but, at the exact same time, i long for the comfort, familiarity, and ease of home. i long to be somewhere where i can get in the car and run 4 errands and be back in two hours or less, even with kids in tow. where i can reasonably predict that cars will obey traffic lights. where i dont have to stare down each mosquito, sure that its the one carrying the malaria that someone is going to get before we leave.
i have been the least patient version of myself during so much of this trip; single parenting in a very different environment, away from all my familiar resources and community and with significantly decreased autonomy has not made me shine, friends. i have yelled and rolled my eyes and grabbed my hair, sometimes all at the same time. i am literally at the end of my rope by the end of most every day. and all those emotions are real and valid and authentic. but at the same time there is no way i would change this experience. sure i would do somethings differently in terms of preparation, but i would not remove this hard, good, challenging, rewarding situation. so i feel both ways, at the same time, in the same place, about the same people and experience.
and its both incredible and incredibly exhausting to feel such a wide range of emotions each and every day. to be honest its not different from my daily life in virginia. my children are the hardest work that i ever pour myself into. they are unpredictable and sinful, and clearly so am i. but then, as i said to them tonight, they are also my delight, my joy, and the good work that i want to put my hands to day in and day out for as long as it takes, regardless of which continent we may find ourselves on.
Comments
Post a Comment