August Imanzi

on october 16, in the most beautiful way i could ever have imagined, our 4th and final child joined our family.  our son, august imanzi.  (this story is far too detailed and long for most people to want to read.  but his birth was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and i want to remember every detail.  so this might be more for me than it is for anyone else.)   

its been two days and i always try to record my birth stories shortly after they happen so that i can recall it all clearly.  but even now, shy of 48 hours later, both the beauty and struggle are already beginning to fade and lose their brilliancy and shape.  moments pass by so quickly, even the most significant ones.  and remembering them is all we can do.  we can never ever re-live them.

i had been feeling really uncomfortable for weeks, specifically the last week.  on sunday, a week before his birth, i had a terrible bout of vomiting and was overwhelmed by how much was happening in my body.  i knew it wasn't likely labor, at least it wasn't what my other labors felt like, but there was so much pressure, so much activity of things shifting and pulling and him burrowing down.  it was very confusing and made me feel ridiculous for being a fourth time mom who could not identify labor.  we didn't go to church and i rested all day, nervous whenever he'd stop moving, trying to put my finger on what in the world was happening in my body and with my son. (my friend sarah came over with her baby doppler and let me hear his heart, which was so reassuring).  i ended up going in to see my midwife because i was so uncomfortable, and she helped me relax, massaged my belly and back.  she also checked me and i was only at one cm, so clearly all the things i had been feeling were not labor.  she told me that usually when there's a significant episode of false labor, its about a week till actual labor.  and it was, to the day. 

for the rest of the week i was stuck in the limbo between knowing that i was not in labor, but also being very aware that my body was doing something.  all you women who have birthed children know it, that holding pattern, that waiting place.  knowing that it could be any time.  making decisions about what to do and when because any time might be the last time you do whatever it is before labor starts.  its as maddening and unique as it is finite and temporary.  

on sunday morning at around 2:45 i woke up to a contraction.  mild, but incredibly familiar.  i did not know then with certainty that it was labor, but i did know that it felt much more like what my labors feel like than the previous sunday had.  until about 5:00 i had contractions now and then, breathed through them and went back to sleep.  nothing was super strong.

at 5:00 i had one that was strong enough that i no longer wanted to lay down for them, so i decided to get up and go downstairs so as not to disturb robert.  he ended up waking up and wanted to get some work done before the day started, so he set about to check some things off his work list and i went downstairs to watch some fellowship of the ring.  shortly after he came down and asked if i wanted a fire, which i did.  so he built one in the hearth and went to keep working which was great because i just wanted to be alone and feel the warmth of the fire and get lost in middle earth.  the contractions were stronger and more intense but still not very consistent.  and the way that nancy (my midwife) taught me to breath/pant through them rather than groaning made a huge difference with how bearable they were.  i was surprised that i was able to let them come without much discomfort even though they were strong.  

at around 7:15 i talked with nancy on the phone and we agreed to touch base at 9 to see how things were progressing.  she told me to have robert sift me (a spinning babies method that helps the baby get in a great birth position) and for me to do an inversion off the couch.  as soon as we did this, at a bout 8:15/30, the contractions started coming consistently every 5-7 minutes and lasting for about a minute.  i let my sister know what was going on and she decided to hit the road from nc in hopes of being present for auggie's arrival (my sister is a doula and incredibly comforting and soothing person, so of course i wanted her around).  

i checked back in with my midwife at 9 and she said she would be over by around 11/11:30.  the contractions picked up in frequency and intensity, coming ever 3-5 minutes.  but still, they were not too much.  the girls came down at around 10 (robert had put a movie on for them upstairs) and i suggested that he take the two smaller ones to go pick up breakfast sandwiches.  eden stayed with me, tended the fire and got me water, while they went out for about 30 minutes.  when they returned, the girls set about wiping out the birth tub (which was a huge horse trough/agricultural tub) so they could bring it in and prepare to fill it.  when i told robert the midwives were coming, he could not believe it.  he did not think i was very far into labor.  he even commented that i must not be very far into labor because i kept telling him i did not need him yet (in previous labors i wanted to lean on him or have him squeeze my hips for nearly all the contractions of that strength).  he also said i was not nearly annoyed enough about all the chaos going on around me with the kids being in and out and asking questions and eating and playing.  but truly, the way nancy coached me to breathe made a HUGE difference in how the contractions hit.  instead of sinking down into them, i bounced along the top of them and did not feel their full strength even as they did their work.  and the normal rhythms of the girls being in and out and commenting on everything (like they do all day every day) felt so familiar and comforting. i just kept thinking 'i get to do this here, at home, where my life happens'.

robert brought the tub in and filled it so it would be ready when nancy arrived, which she did at around 11:30.  she came in and checked me at around 11:45 and i was a stretchy 4 and that his head was very very low (which came as no surprise to me because of all the pressure id been feeling).  shortly thereafter my other midwife, who was attending as a doula and friend, arrived.  meghann is the midwife who was with me for all my girls and is the only reason i considered home birth (nancy was her midwife and she was confident that i would really love the experience).  once both of them were there, its like my body knew it was time to go into the next stage.  nancy told me i could get in the tub whenever i wanted and i did so right around noon.  the two younger girls went upstairs to watch another movie (best day of their lives with all the movies) and eden set up shop on the couch with her notebook to journal in real time about what was going on. i could tell she was a little nervous and she kept saying that she was sorry i was in so much pain. but i kept smiling at her and told her that i was doing the work i needed to do and that everything was completely normal.  i was listening to the every psalm project by poor bishop hooper and the beautiful words put to beautiful music soothed and encouraged me in my work.

the contractions picked up intensity but still they were bearable.  i just kept breathing the way nancy taught me and keeping my body relaxed, and i could feel each one doing its work, i could feel him descending.  ive never been so aware of the progress made by each contraction.  robert sat by the edge of the tub and meghann put cold cloths on my forehead and i just let them come.  at 12:15 my water broke and i felt the intensity go up again.  each contraction felt like another level of work being done, but i really felt that my body was doing the work and i just needed to stay out of my own way.  by 12:35 i started to feel on the verge of overcome by each contraction, but nancy reminded me to do the breathing she had prescribed and meghann kept telling me to keep my legs and bum loose.  and so i bounced along on the top of each urge, feeling him move down and feeling myself open.  i kept reminding myself that no matter how intense a contraction was, i would survive it, and it would end.  i told her it was too much, and she casually responded 'well thats because you're almost ready to push'.  i thought to myself that it was not possible that i could be ready to push, i had been at 4cm less than an hour ago.  and i was not nearly miserable enough.  but in another few contractions, i realized that she was right, it was time. nancy told robert that if the girls were going to watch, they needed to come in now, so he went and got the younger two.  

ill pause here to say that i struggle even now to find words to describe how incredible and mind blowing this birth was.  i had had three subsequent births that went as well as a hospital birth could go with the best possible midwifery care in the hospital.  but there is still only a certain amount of relaxed you can be when there are machines beeping, strangers coming in and out, and the industrial sounds and smells of a hospital room.  the way i was able to discipline my mind and control my responses was just not something i could have ever achieved in a hospital setting.  and being in the water for the actual birth allowed me to be weightless and loose in a way that i could not have experienced out of the water. 

what happened next is difficult for me to put into words because i had no concept that it could be real prior to it happening.  in our prenatal appointments, nancy had stressed to me that she wanted me to have a birth where we let my body push him out rather than having to use my abs and diaphragm to push him out. and even though i heard her, i did not really have a concept of what that would look like in reality.  but when it came time, that is exactly what happened.  my body told me it was time for him to be born but instead of pushing, i blew out really steady focused breath and my body birthed his head.  i literally did not push, i just stayed loose and calm and rode the intensity of the contractions and stayed out of the way of the natural process in which my body was engaged.  like i mentioned perviously, it felt like bouncing on top of each contraction rather than digging into it.  meghann told me to look up and see that all my daughters were present and that my son's head had been born.  (imagine all the comic relief commentary from the kids about his head being under water while this was going on).  now finally, after all the quiet breathing and controlled responses, i felt it was time to give one primal push with all my strength.  and out came his body.  the relief was what i had been dreaming of for nine months.  

i looked down at him there, just below the surface of the water, and i think i asked if someone could hand him to me.  nancy told me to pick him up, and i scooped his body into my arms and pulled him onto my chest.  i could not believe that after less than an hour of intensity, i was holding my son in my arms.  and that he had come in the way he had, through surrender and without fear.  eden was sobbing happily and i looked up at robert and asked him to name our son (we had been all batting a few names back and forth but no final decision had been made).  he said august, so august it was.

moments later my sister arrived and the girls brought her in.  it was incredible to have her there with me, even though she just barely missed his birth.  i was still in the tub and she was formally introduced by eden.       

i got out to deliver the placenta because nancy prefers to do that out of the water.  that part is never any fun, and this experienced followed suit.  but it came on the birthing stool and then i was on the couch and it was all over. 

the next few hours were spent snapping photos (i could not resist grabbing my camera and snapping photos from the couch where i reclined.  i had to freeze the moments i was seeing), watching nancy inspect and display the placenta, nursing, gushing with joy, and reliving all the most incredible moments of the process.  it was unbelievably special to have the girls there, front and center as meghann and nancy inspected august, weighed him and measured him, a whopping 9lbs 9 oz and 21 inches long. we were all shocked at his size, a full 3 lbs bigger than eden had been and 2 lbs bigger than either of the others.  nancy checked on me as well and told me that i had only the tiniest tear that needed no repairing, also a first and so incredible seeing as how he was by far my biggest.  after a while, meghann and nancy made me an herb bath in our tub and i soaked while elise sat chatting with me, holding auggie. 

eden had cut ivy's cord when she was born four years ago, & she helped ivy cut august's cord.  having meghann there, helping my babies she delivered cut the cord of yet another baby she delivered...there are not words for how much it meant to me. 

before long, august and i were tucked into our downstairs guest bed and meghann and nancy took pictures with us and then said goodbye.  and just like that, it was all over.  and even then, i already missed it.  i already missed the moment of my first embrace of his brand new body, of pulling him onto my chest.  i missed the struggle, i missed the anticipation.  i looked around at my children, my husband, my sister, and the two women who have helped me bring four incredible people into this world.  and i treasured it all up in my overflowing heart.